Day 19: Wish
Sharing these bits of my life and experiences with you has been amazingly liberating so far. I’m also enjoying the pressure of engaging in a number of creative processes everyday. Today’s been a pretty emotional day so this is going to be a relatively short post. And I thought I’d just share a quick moment with you.
When I first told my mother I was transgender and that I was transitioning, she was so supportive and showed nothing but love. She said something to me that I replay in my mind so often.
She told that when I was very young, she was bathing me; and while I sat in the water I said to her,
Mommy, I wish I had long hair like a girl
I nearly cried when she told me. And it may seem like an insignificant or innocent thing to say, but the fact that she remembered that little moment was amazing.
And now I think back to my childhood and wonder if there were other moments like the one in the bath, where I may have expressed a desire to be a girl. And how easier my life may have been had I transitioned when I was a child. Because transitioning in your late 20’s is so hard (obviously I have no way to compare). I’ve already been through male puberty so a large part of my energy is spent trying to deal with those changes I went through and trying to undo them. And I sometimes wonder how things could’ve been different.
I do need to say that I’m in no way blaming anyone for anything, these are just thoughts that often float around in my head.
Sometimes it makes me really sad. Because this is a difficult thing, for me. And sometimes I need to cry and fall apart and feel the feelings. And then splash those feelings all over the internet.
Maybe in a year or so I’ll eventually get my wish and have that long hair I always wanted. If I don’t, that’s okay.
Because at least I don’t need to wish to be a girl anymore.
I’ve always been one.